September 14th, 2008

"Don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars."

Whut? What's that mean? Exactly! I thought the same thing! So, I looked it up. Apparently it's from "one of the most romantic movie scenes of the 20th century". I watched the scene on YouTube and, really, I didn't get it. But, then again, I don't get a lot of those "old romantic movies".

So, I'm going to break this down simply. For one, that sentence is horribly written. It's grammatically incorrect and it's very nonsensical. Seems to me she is saying don't ask for something you don't have when you already have something else. I suppose you could say:
"Don't ask for something you don't have when you already have something better"
But you could just as easily say:
"Don't ask for something more when you already have something to begin with."
Or even:
"Don't ask for more when you're lucky enough to get something." -- otherwise you might be seen as greedy!

Really though, because of this nonsensical quote, it can only be taken in one logical way:
Settle for what you've got.

You know what I call people that do that? Quitters. Those that settle are just those that have gotten tired of trying. Those that believe they are only entitled to table scraps and will not or should not ever be given a feast fit for kings. Those that believe having anything at all is better than having nothing at all but worse than having it all. Pathetic. No human on this earth should settle for second best, but neither should they boast or complain of having it either. Humility with a healthy drive for greatness. The quote, thus, should be:
"Why settle for the stars when we can have the moon too."

To take it more in context... he asked if she was happy before that quote was spoken. So, you could then assume that she means she isn't happy, and you shouldn't ask her to be happy when you already have her in this moment. Also a fool, for I believe happiness is your reward for living a healthy rewarding life. If you are not happy then you are either settling for what you've got or you've done something you find to be wrong to get to where you are.

Then again, in either case, we could also just say this (since humor is better than being so serious):
"Why try to write a top-notch movie when you can just put famous people in poorly written ones?"

 

Don't worry if none of that makes sense -- this is just me blowing off some steam by writing about something else only somewhat related.

September 12th, 2008

I've probably started writing this multiple times without luck... not sure how to approach what I want to say. On one hand I feel really, really disappointed... but on the other hand I know it won't matter what I write. We'll see.

Birthday came and went. Nothing special, nothing new. Only good thing is I am no longer a teenager and no longer have to be associated with that hellish age group. One bunk point of the entire day, really, was when that girl removed me as a "friend" from facebook. I can only assume how events went down.. but I imagine it went something like thus: Oh, hey, it says Wil's birthday is today! *deletes*

Really, I didn't expect anything from her. I hoped for maybe a friendly "Happy birthday!"... but, instead, I was ignored and just deleted as a friend. Fine with me, though, sad to say, because I like my friends to be mature and intelligent, not immature and childish. Sorry, Kelsey, but honestly. I care for you, but apparently you're just not... self aware enough... to know that. I want to be friends... I want to talk to you. But, if you don't want to -- if you think knowing me will just continue to cause problems then that's fine. Have a good life. I tried. It's a shame. I still love you; it's a shame you don't return the sentiment.

I got an iPod touch with my birthday money and let me tell you, it is AWESOME. Hands down the best thing I own right now. It's amazing how Apple creates some of the best products on the market. AMAZING. </applefanboyisming>

Mother is alright. Kidney removed, not sure if it is cancer or not. We'll find out next Thursday. Either way, she is doing alright.

September 1st, 2008

HORY SHIT, IT'S A RION! GET IN THE CAR! Actually, it's a rant! An actual rant! You should still get in the car!

Texas A&M University, so I'm told, does not acknowledge Labor Day. They do NOT acknowledge the national holiday of Labor Day whereas kids all around the country get out of school for the first monday of September each year. Wait, what? So, what do they get? They get four MUSLIM holidays off. Yes, they get four, religious specific holidays off instead. What kind of bullshit is this?

The same people that advocate separating religion from schools seem to BEND OVER BACKWARDS for Muslims and their traditions. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, I meant to say that the same people that advocate removing CHRISTIAN customs from schools bend over backwards for Muslims. Wasn't there a school just recently that built a special foot-washing sink for Muslims that pray five times a day but had just recently banned the pledge of allegiance because it contained the words "under God"?

Seriously though, this is just so amazingly hypocritical. They will completely ignore a national holiday but appease the Muslims and let out for FOUR extra days due to their religion? Where are my jewish holidays? Or my christian holidays? Wicca? Pagan? In my world, schools would let out on national holidays only. Religious holidays would be as-requested only, for example: A student will always be granted permission to leave a day of school for a religious holiday when required and the teacher must provide the student with any tests or quizzes they missed in class. I don't care what the religious population of the school is, there should be no special treatment for any religion or race anywhere. (Fuck, don't get me started on race and Affirmative Action.)

I don't know how often I see people bitching about plays in school that are of CHRISTIAN descent but when asked about another religion they always say they would love to see ANY other religion-based plays. Again, incredibly hypocritical. The christian plays are SO AWEFUL, but Muslim, Jewish, etc plays are perfectly acceptable? Again, double standards. I get so sick of this Anti-Christian attitude so many people seem to have developed.

Don't get me wrong, I hate the zealots just as much as the next guy. I believe very strongly in believing what you want to believe and discussing it with other people in a very calm maner, in a very open and easy discussion of opinions. I despise, however, when people contain this holier-than-thou attitude and talk with you with the intention of "converting" you to their beliefs. Yes, many Christians seem to do this, and yes there are many Christian groups that are set out for specifically that purpose. Yes, many Christians seem to put people down and try to convert them through this process (you're not a Christian, you're going to hell!). I do not agree with any of this, but I do not believe this is grounds to take up an anti-christian attitude. I'm sick of it, and it makes you all a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

August 30th, 2008

It interests me how during the day I have this very gung-ho attitude in that I feel like I should do the best I can do and do everything that can be done to be the best I can be. However, in the early morning and late night I get this very "fuckit" attitude. It's easier to be lazy than it is to not be lazy.

The only time I've never not felt like that is when I felt like I was working not for me but for someone else. However, that kind of goes against what I believe. I feel like you should work for yourself first and foremost, and most people should come in second. You need to do things for yourself is what I mean. But, when I try that, I don't see a reason to do the best I can be because I'm decently happy with myself as I am.

Ah fuckit, who cares.

August 29th, 2008

I always thought all through my teenage years that I would make a great boyfriend/husband. I know a lot of people probably think this, but I really did. I spent 99.9% of my time with my mother, so she helped "shape" me so to speak. A lot of things are probably predisposed because of my gender (still can't see things right in front of me: move the sugar to the next shelf up and I'll miss it), but a lot of things my father did I learned not to do.

So, as I grew up, I always considered myself a "more perfect" male. One less inclined to screw up, so to speak. I cook, I clean, I like to listen, I'm happiest when I'm with someone who feels the same way, I won't play a portable gaming system while you're laying next to me, sex is more important than just getting off, I don't forget dates, I'm thoughtful, I'm good at knowing people, etc. Sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, but I really am those things. I always figured that, because I was these things, I wouldn't ever have any trouble with finding someone to feel the same way. After all, that is what girls want right?

I think I'm just too young for thinking so old. It would be easier, and I would probably feel closer to people, if I just went out to parties and found girls to sleep with. If I was a shallow jerk. If my entire goal in life was to sleep with as many women as I possibly could. I'm kind of tired of waiting for my mentality to catch up with the actual age of women. When do those two values become equal? Five more years? Ten? That's kind of a sad feeling.

I don't think people actually like someone knowing them. It's something they THINK they want, but in the end they want to be able to keep things to themselves when they need to. It is easier to lie than to be understood. It is easier to be told positive things all the time than to have someone care enough where they want to point out the negative things you do so you can become aware of them. Not because they want to hurt you, nay, but because they want to help you be the best you can be. How can you reach your full potential if people around you are always calling your vices virtues?

So, it really makes me sad that people act this way when I've put so much effort and thought in to trying to be someone that could support and understand another. I hate that. I hate people. I hate that people always need to be busy and just the simple action of being alone with your thoughts is considered boring. Because of that, people always need to be around other people, and I hate that .I hate that people would rather be told lies than be told the truth. I hate that people believe that they can build a perfect web of lies rather than believe in the truth. I hate that people are so mentally numb that all of this will just pass right through them.

Hmm. I think I really do hate being lonely. But, considering I hate the majority of the people I encounter I doubt this will change any time soon. So, just keep on trucking. It's not you, it really is me. I'm just too damn expectant of people to be virtuous beings rather than accept that people would rather be vicious because it is easier. God forbid that people actually be honest and open.

August 27th, 2008

Seems like this little RANTING section has turned in to more of a journal or a blog or a place to moan and whine about nothing that affects anyone other than myself rather than a place to rant. Except, I do all of the above here. So, is a rant simply a whining blog? Ah well. Deal with it! Besides, you're probably only here for the SUPER COOL PROJECTS ON PAGE TWO.

School is alright I suppose. Math is great -- teacher is awesome. He wants a lot of class participation, but it'll take me a couple weeks to get used to participating. Either way, great teacher. History is a little iffier, of course. Teacher I chose backed out last minute, so I got a different guy. He's a little bland, but that's okay. I find history to be quite interesting so hopefully I can pull through on that. My Networking+ DE course is simple in that it's "Read the text, do the quizzes in your own time". Beginning Web Design is, of course, a beginning course, so it's going to go a bit slower for those less inclined to web design to get a solid foundation. I think I have somewhat of a head start on some of the people that may take this class in that I learned the basics of HTML over 10 years ago. That makes me feel old. Either way, I think it will be a fun and easy class and I will probably learn things I had never even done before as I did when I took IS 101 (I never knew that home/end were used to go to the beginning and end of a sentence/paragraph!).

Why is it that after two months of not talking at all, and over a year of not even being friends, that I still expect her to speak to me, and every night I still feel a little sad when she doesn't? I mean, after so long it seems like I would be over her... that I would have finally moved on and ceased caring for her. It might have helped if I had found someone else to talk to after we stopped talking. We stopped talking, I stopped talking to other people, and then when my birthday rolled around last year I spent the last three months of the year in a haze of depression (which I hid amazingly well). When we talked two months ago I truly expected that maybe, just maybe, we would start to talk on occasion. But, I guess not. She seemed uninterested, so I never really tried to keep conversations going. Ah well...

I'm getting pretty tired during the day. I have to get up earlier than normal now, go to classes, I have to drive my mother to all of her doctors appointments, I clean the house, I do the shopping, I do the majority of the cooking, then I have to do reading assignments, homework assignments, etc. So much, but my mother just isn't up to doing it once again. Two cancers at once, only one detected. Beats lung cancer only to also find out she has kidney cancer also. So rare and just as crappy. Tuesday she goes in to have the kidney removed. Cancer doctor said today that her left kidney was probably dead as shown by a CAT scan having said her right kidney has increased in size which usually happens when a kidney takes on the load of the other. Hopefully it hasn't spread anywhere because chemo/radiation are useless against kidney cancer.

Wii Solitaire has... taken a back seat for awhile. I really need to settle in to this hectic new schedule before I even THINK about spending hours a day working on a game. And, well, it's 2am and I need to be up at 9. NIGHT NIGHT, INTERNETS.

August 22nd, 2008

At night, I worry about everything. Life, love, health, education, work, etc. Everything under the moon, so to speak. It is as if someone opens the flood gates and the worry pours out like a tidal wave. I don't know why it happens, but it always has happened. I wish it wouldn't -- it gets quite old, every night, hoping I go to sleep before I worry about things too much. Sometimes I start to worry so much that I very nearly shake, and I need to sit up and calm myself down.

The reason I rant at 4am is because of this worry. Everything stupid, idiotic, immature, and unthinkable I've ever done has been a result of this 4am syndrome™. I'll say something, or do something, at night where in the morning I'll regret it so deeply. I'll have written something that I know I shouldn't have written, or I'll have sent an email I know I shouldn't have sent. I know, deep down, that I shouldn't do it, but it happens anyway.

I woke up this morning with regret because of what I wrote, but I am unsure as to why. Perhaps because I know that while it will be read, it will not do anything. Or, if it does anything, it'll probably harm. Then the night fell, I the flood gates were opened, and I didn't feel regret for it any more; I wanted to add to it. I wanted to piss and moan about the past even more. Don't worry, I stopped myself.

So, yeah. That is where these rants come from -- the pits of hell my tired, idiot of a soul.

August 21st, 2008

Look at that - this would be my very first 4am ranting. It also just so happens that I am feeling like a madman right now. Wouldn't you know it.

So, this will be just a general rant over a singular entity that is no longer in my life. Most of you can ignore it, for it will be far too boring for you to read. It really was written for her, but I would not expect her to wish to read it. Everything I've written in the past has been horrible, so why wouldn't this also be that way? Perhaps you'll desire to read it "for the lulz", or perhaps you'll read it just to get a sense of how lame I truly am. This is a post about her, of course, as most of the things I write are brought about with her in mind.

Most nights - not all, but most - I lay in bed and I think. I think about anything and everything under the stars. Just tonight I was laying in bed thinking and I believe I came up with a way to easily change, manipulate, and save 2d side scrolling maps, in real time, without having to keep track of tiles or anything like that. I also came up with how I am going to do the scoring for Wii Solitaire. I tried to keep her off my mind, but my thoughts eventually came to her, and I became saddened. It often goes like this: "Oh... you. Why do you have to still be so crazy about this person?" in which time I reply to myself: "Because you're a lonely soul." or perhaps "Because you're a madman." -- it is probably both. Then it becomes: "It doesn't matter anymore. She doesn't want to talk to you, or even see you. Or be near you. Or think about you. So why bother?" and again, I reply: "Because I am a fool".

This is of no consequence either way, but what I thought about tonight was what keeps me going - why I DO still feel for her. I've probably said it a hundred times, but she was the first person I've ever put everything of myself into. I've talked to plenty of people, but none have ever made me feel or act this way. It would seem that after more than a year of being nothing to her I would have finally gotten over, but I would seem to be having quite a bit more trouble with it than I had originally hoped.

I think one of the things that really keeps me from feeling horrible about it all is my (been told incorrect) belief that I at least made some impact in her life. I like to believe that having known her I did show her what saying you love someone and actually loving someone was. Or that I showed her that people actually do care -- even if at the end I fucked that up royally. Or perhaps I showed her... I don't know. I keep wishing, keep hoping, keep dreaming that one day she'll talk to me and tell me everything I can't even conceive that I wish to hear. That she'll say that even though I hurt her, I did make her realize a lot of things about herself, that she cared for me, and that she still does care for me. I like to think that I actually meant something to her at some time. Those are all beliefs I still hold firm, and will probably never let go despite the fact that they've been battered and beaten.

Some of the things I believe are probably much less true, even to the point of being fabrications, but all I have left are my assumptions and my false beliefs which hurt no one - given that I have nobody who really cares to listen. One one of these beliefs which are false is that, on some level, she still cares for me. I have no proof for this one at all, and in fact I am almost positive that it is completely false. I hold on to this belief, however, because I just can't stand the fact that nobody on this planet cares for me in the way that I still care for her. My life has been such complete shit for more than a year now that I just don't think I could stand it if I didn't believe this one.

Fuck, I wish I hadn't hurt her. I was crazy. I was insane. We all have those regrets - things we wish we could go back and change. Things that we do or say and we later look back and go "Why did I say that?! I didn't mean any of it, and nobody will believe me but myself!". Can't I plead temporary insanity? Can't I say: "I didn't mean to say anything that I said, please, believe me! I don't believe them! I said them because I didn't know what else to say! I was crazy! I was mad! Please believe me, I'd never say those things ever again!" and have you believe me? Nothing I say seems to matter. Everything I say to you comes out wrong. I can't help it! Like everything else, in my head it works out perfectly. In my head, I say something, and you respond in kind, and then it's all good. Everyone is happy. But, you're not just a figment of my imagination. You're real, and you're unpredictable. You say you're not lying, but I can't accept this! What you say doesn't process for me because I can't imagine it to be true! I hurt you and you can't ever get past it. I said things that you aren't capable of forgetting, and I blew it. I didn't make that much of an impact on your life; I'm just a footnote. You're happy with him, but in my mind no guy deserves you! In my mind, he's a cheating fuck and will end up hurting you in the end!
In my mind, I am perfect and he is not. In my mind, I don't sound so fucking pathetic and delusional.

But, no. I was the one that hurt you, and I'll probably end up regretting that one for the rest of my life. What could have been, if only I had not been such an idiot. I always considered myself one of the better guys, and yet... here I am. A monumental fuckup.

So, what do I expect with this? Nothing. Nothing at all. I expect nothing from life - I've learned differently. Instead, I hold firm in my belief that at some point in time I'll wind up happy. Or, at least happy enough to where I'll go to bed and think "Hmm, this was a good day." instead of "Hmm, this was a less depressing day". A day that doesn't involve me hoping, in some, small, remote place in my lonely soul for something to happen which I don't expect, that makes me happy. I mean, fates got to throw me a bone eventually, right? Right...? Right?

August 17th, 2008

First things first: Someone really, really needs to develop a sound library for the Wii. Come on. You have libmad which only works if you're not doing anything else with the CPU, or you have sndlib which has the most idiotic installation and usage process I've ever seen. Who in their right mind would include a few dozen files unrelated to their project simply to get sound working? I'm sorry, but I refuse to clutter up my source code. So, somebody needs to get on to making a decent sound library. Do it right now. I'm far too stupid to be able to do it myself.

 

Anyway, school. I really, really hate school starting. I'm decent at school -- if I understand what I'm learning and it is interesting chances are I'll beat the fuck out of you on tests (I'm an arrogant fool, so sue me). I really, really enjoy learning. I absolutely dislike having to GO to a school however. Especially that first day -- everything is so hectic that first day. Getting to classes on time, finding a seat, finding out of the teacher is going to be a dip or not, etc. So much so that the night before that first day ends up with me praying to the gods for me to actually get some sleep. I'm a creature of habit, and once that first day is broken, it's smooth sailing. But, God, that first day...

I have four classes this semester -- math and history which take up between one and a half and three hours of my day, four days a week, and intro to networking and intro to web design which are both distance education. One even ends in October. Fifteen total credits. This will hopefully be an easy semester with only math being the difficult one. Next semester will probably be even more difficult as I hope to load on as much as humanly possible because I desire to graduate by summer of 2010. There are classes outside my degree that I really have a desire to take also -- more math than required and some physics classes -- so I'll probably end up doing at least one summer worth of classes to make up that time. The more time that goes by, however, the more I realize that being done by my desired date is probably not going to happen. Like it matters, anyway's -- the entire reason I chose that date is pointless now.

August 15th, 2008

I think that The Wonder years is my most fondest memory of childhood. Especially the fictional character Winnie Cooper. I believe she was my first, and last, true crush on any fictional character I've ever had. I say this because I've realized she is what I've always really used to compare other girls with. Watching the re-runs, I realized that many of the things she does remind me of girls I've found attractive. Almost scarily so. My favorite moment of the re-runs so far is the first episode, with the kiss at the end. I vaguely remember an episode where they are by a river at night, on a bridge, where they kiss again - I eagerly await this episode.

Too bad this isn't the real world any longer. Too bad people don't act like that, and that they pass kisses off so casually. I've never kissed anyone beyond the simple hello/goodbye kisses you give to people at times. I wouldn't consider this pathetic, or sad - on the contrary, I find it quite nice. I put a lot of importance in to the smallest of actions, but it would seem that in this day, and at this age, no meaning of any importance is placed in to any of the actions of people. "I love you" is so casual and there is nothing behind the words. Kisses are so common and they mean nothing. Following that, just the simple act of being around someone is taken for granted -- nobody places the importance that should be placed on so much as the simplest of a touch from someone that is important to you.

So, if you're reading this, and you're not thinking "what a fag!" right now, I urge you to heed these words -- place as much importance as you can on the smallest of things with the person you care about. If your time is precious, you should enjoy the time you have together and not spend that time on frivolous activities that take your attention away from that special person. Even if things don't work out in the end with this person, you should be able to look back and think of those times and remember the untainted bliss of your time together.

Sadly, while I think this way, so many of you fools will ignore the words and go on taking for granted what a relationship really means. Instead of getting as much out of something as you can, you'll spend time considering what you might be missing -- you'll be the guy that wants to break up with a girlfriend that cares about them unconditionally because you're off to college and you want to date other women, or vice versa. You guys (guys in the grouping definition, not the gender definition) need to start placing more importance on what you currently have rather than wishing for more, or wishing for something else. Being with someone else may bring out a greater emotion, but you have to keep in mind that emotions have a tendency to lessen over time - what is new and fresh will always seem more real that what is or has been. It would be a shame to see yet another person regret their decisions and wish they could go back and change things.

I sure know that I feel that way, anyway.

August 13th, 2008

Playing BRAID, on the Xbox Live Arcade, and I thought this story was really awesome. Made me think a lot about things in the past. We would all be wiser to consider its words.

"Tim is off on a search to rescue the Princess. She has been snatched by a horrible and evil monster.

This happened because Tim made a mistake.

Not just one. He made many mistakes during the time they spent together, all those years ago. Memories of their relationship have become muddled, replaced wholesale, but one remains clear: the Princess turning sharply away, her braid lashing at him with contempt.

He knows she tried to be forgiving, but who can just shrug away a guilty lie, a stab in the back? Such a mistake will change a relationship irreversibly, even if we have learned from the mistake and would never repeat it. The Princess's eyes grew narrower. She became more distant.

Our world, with its rules of causality, has trained us to be miserly with forgiveness. By forgiving too readily, we can be badly hurt. But, if we've learned from a mistake and become better for it, shouldn't we be rewarded for the learning, rather than punished for the mistake?

What if our world worked differently? Suppose we could tell her: "I didn't mean what I just said," and she would say: "It's okay, I understand," and she would not turn away, and life would really proceed as though we had never said that thing? We could remove the damage but still be wiser for the experience."

August 10th, 2008

If this mad man had ranting's, and it was 4am, this is where they would go. Unfortunately, this madman has limited his ranting output by a significant margin to reduce his risk of ulcers. When I do rant, this is where they would appear! Here is hoping to a very rant-less future!