Got that A in my online Networking class. Master bullshitter I am, it seems, as I didn't even read the book. *whipping sound* Of course... history... ugh. I find out later today how horrible I did on the recent essay exam. Chances are it's not just bad, it's suicidal. Already ranted on that in other places so I won't bother to do so here.
Eh, really have nothing else to talk about. Her Birthday was two days ago. I hope it was a good one. I hope she enjoyed it. It's nice to know that I really mean that. Made me think about my gift from last year that went over OH SO WELL (sarcasm to the highest degree) and if she still sees them and thinks of me or if she even wears them. Ah well. Have a happy and productive year filled with much joy. :)
I've been messing around with a couple of new design ideas for this website but haven't gotten anything I like yet. I've been working slowly on the particle engine aspect of aGE.. but that's going slow.. slow slow slow. Mostly because I'm starting to somewhat lose interest.. also because I've been so tired and drained lately. I'm slowly falling back in to that... "fuckit" frame of mind I was in last year. Not a good place to be. But also not a bad one to be in either. Makes time go by fast. I mean, can you believe it's already the middle of October? Mid terms are almost gone! Damn time flys when you don't give a shit.
I don't even get to go out of town this weekend! :( My mother isn't strong enough yet, and is in fact worse than she was a few weeks ago. So... damn. Was looking forward to going out of town, getting away, and not caring about anyone or anything for awhile. Damnnnnnnnnnit. I wanted to go out of townnnnnnnnnnnn. *whine*
In fact, I've been kind of yicky for the last week or so. Came to the conclusion that I'm never totally happy, I'm just content with being unhappy or depressed. Make sense? Does to me. In fact, my best time is in my dreams. In fact, I think I'll go spend some quality time with my pillow right now. Nine hours of bliss here I come...... pathetic.
It's been... a few weeks. Been busy with various things, none of them important at all. School, mostly. Math (factoring polynomials, difference of squares, perfect cubes, and quadratic equations oh my!). History (seven year/french indian war, stamp act, tea act, townsend acts, and revolution war oh my!). Web design (this is a boringly easy class, oh my!). Networking (if I don't start reading the book before taking the quizzes and tests I may not get an A, OH MY!).
I've also been working on an opengl 2d sprite engine. Nothing fancy, nothing that hasn't already been done, but it's a good way for me to learn a little bit about hardware acceleration. It blits, it blends, and the textures invert... now I'm working on refining it to a very useable state and also working with some different ways to render truetype fonts as well. It's named "fbz" right now - named from when I was watching my friend play Majora's Mask and he named Link "fagballz". I'm probably going to end up changing the name, but not sure to what. "kamGE" or "akikoGE" are probably what I'll end up calling it. When it's in a working state I'll post it on my projects page.
If you remember September 12th... yeah. I don't know. She did reply to that, in her own way, and... I don't know. She says that she didn't connect the dates and that she did what she did (removing her account completely I believe) to help her move past things. I'm not mad like it made me seem. I'm disappointed, of course, but that also does not matter. I'm just sad that I guess my birthday is nothing to remember, despite the fact that I remember hers so clearly. In fact, I remember everything. I remember too much. Once again, I'm just not as memorable as I make others out to be.
I'm not as indifferent as that reply made me seem. I just know that, as much as it pains me to realize, nothing I say or do will change anything, so why should I say anything at all. I could say that I accept your apology, and that you should forget it ever happened, but it wouldn't change anything. You don't care if I forgive you or not; you don't care if I hate you or not. It makes not one iota of a difference to you if I am mad, sad, happy, or glad. You are happy, and that is all that matters to you. As I told you it should be. As you are.
I don't know why you decided that I wasn't the person you could talk openly to and be honest with. I don't know why you decided that I wasn't going to be that person for you, despite how much I wished for you to be so. I can't understand what was different between me and anyone else, but I understand that because there was a difference you could ignore what you apparently could not with me. I just wish that once, at some point in my pathetic existence, I would meet someone that I care deeply for, as I did you, that would reciprocate those feelings, unlike you. Someone that when I ask how they are doing or what they are thinking about they won't say "I don't know". Someone that won't try and forget me. Someone that would want to instead remember me, care for me, and support me just as I would do even more so for them.
Since you can't be that person, despite how much I do care for you, then I suppose I'll just leave you to be in happiness with people whom, despite my best efforts to understand what's different, make you happy. People whom you are able to open up to, be honest with, and care for. Unlike me, who wanted those things more than life itself. So, in a way I accept your apology, but your words are empty and without meaning or emotion. I'm just a footnote to your teenage years; it is just a shame that you're almost an entire chapter to mine.
So, Kelsey, enjoy your night. The only hope I have now is that one day, in the distant future, you'll one day remember me and think of me not as that footnote, but as a lost friend. As someone that showed so much emotion towards you that it burst out at all the seams, in any way possible, in both good and bad. As someone that cared for you more than you could have ever known. Because then maybe I'll not be just a footnote, but perhaps a recognition. But, perhaps not. Perhaps I'll always just be that guy you talked to in 2007.
She also mentioned how she wouldn't know what she would do without the person she speaks to every day. Without sounding bitter, or jealous, I have an answer for her: You would find someone new to occupy your attention, KM. That's just how you are. You will always have some guy around you. You are just not synonymous with single. Every major decision or action I've known you make has been because of a guy. It's just who you are. It is probably how you always will be.
Interesting: My sisters "boyfriend" (I'll never get used to using that word when the internet is involved) and my sister have made plans to meet. He lives in California, and we live in Nevada. My parents AGREED to this. We're going to go down to meet him and spend Saturday at a theme park. It's nice to know that if I ever meet someone like that (ha!) and I grow the balls to meet them (ha!) that my parents would be okay with me meeting them and wouldn't freak out. I mean, sure, I am twenty now, but I've never left the city without some form of adult supervision! It's a scary world, and I don't want to go out in it without backup!
NanoWriMo is coming up. I'm going to try, yet again, to write. This time, however, my story will be well planned before I start, and it won't be attempted while in a "fuckitall" attitude I was in last year. Plot? Girl! I'm writing it based upon a girl! In fact, the entire novel is based around the ideal that women are the most important aspect of this race. Fantasy like, with a non-cliche happy-ever-after ending! It's really just a novel adaption of a game I've always kind of wanted to (help) develop. A strong female lead with a plot that's not based completely on love with a perhaps not-so-happily-ever-after ending! How's that for misogyny? Now if only I could finish it...
Mothers kidney turned out to be a metastases of cancer from her lung. She'll probably end up getting chemo again. Joy.
